You Are Remembered

It is never easy when someone you know dies.

I remember 15 years ago when my brother and his wife were pregnant.  I remember their phone calls of excitement and anticipation. I also remember the phone call when they lost their pregnancy.

I remember the last year of my mother’s life. I watched her slip away into eternity.  A onetime tall woman full of life shriveled into a small delicate woman in a wheelchair.  I remember the last time I saw my mother.  She had come out of surgery and was in a medically induced coma.  My brother and I stood at her side holding her hands.  We spoke gently.  I saw a tear form in the corner of my mother’s eye.

How do we remember those we love who have left this life?  We may have regrets over what we did not say or do.  We may fell angry that our time together was cut short.  I believe each life has purpose – whether the life is long or short.  Each life can be remembered. 

I do not believe the American culture grieves well. Consider the one or two days of bereavement leave offered at many places of work. The expectation is to attend the memorial service have a good cry and get back to life as it was known before the death. Is that really enough time to grieve and go through the emotions of feeling shocked, sad, angry, depressed when there has been a death of a loved one?  I say emphatically NO! 

I believe life is so much more valuable.  When a person has experienced a death they will need time to grieve.  A grieving person needs time to experience the pain of the loss.  A grieving person needs time to experience God and the Spirit’s comfort A grieving person needs time to experience comfort in relationship. A grieving person needs to be able to freely talk about their pain and unfulfilled expectations. 

This is not easy to do being a “fix it” and “get over it” society.  Comfort does come in the form of knowing you are not alone in your grief.  Sometimes all we need is a person to be in the room.  Perhaps not even talking, just being present.  Another person can help ease the pain of isolation, which comes with grief. 

There is a universal truth; suffering is as much a part of life as good fortune.  We have a promise that when we suffer, we will not be alone.  God will be with us through the painful time.

Remembering our loved one will bring healing and comfort.  How can we remember our loved ones after they die? Here are some ways:

    • Memorial service. A memorial service is a time to reflect, honor and celebrate the person’s life. Memorial services may be public or private.  They can be with a few people or with a large gathering.

    • Write a letter. Letter writing can be very cathartic.  It is a way to reach out the loved one. Listen to the words of a letter a child wrote to her stillborn sister: “Everything that lives – plants, animals, and people – has a beginning and an end. Some are alive only a short time.  How long, or how short, doesn’t really matter. It is still that person’s lifetime.  And each lifetime is special.”

    • A teenager wrote this note to his mother after the loss of her child:  “I went to buy you a card today. It was a birthday card for the baby you did not get to bring home. We talked a lot about my sister, but that was a long time ago.  I worried that if I sent you this card, it would make you feel sad again.  But I think I know how you will feel.  I will be glad because I remember her too.”

    • Plant a tree or plant.  It is very honoring to plant a tree or a plant in honor of your loved one who has died.

    • Create a memory book or box.  Some people find great comfort in placing special things in a box or creating a memory book of their loved one.  This is a tangible place where the loved one’s presence may be felt and their life honored.

    • Draw a picture, compose a poem or write in a journal. These are some creative ways to remember your loved one.

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