Three Steps to Healing After a Betrayal

"I have never loved you - I have always loved someone else."

Betrayal, Broken Trust and Healing

Climbing into bed, a husband tells his wife about an affair that occurred 10 years earlier.  He communicates with a cool smugness and turns out the light, rolls over and begins to snore.  In shock at his betrayal, the wife lies in bed for hours unable to sleep.

The impact of a betrayal in a close relationship is devastating.  The lies, deceit, shock and blow of broken trust can shake a person to their emotional core.  

What are some of the effects of betrayal?  First lets consider what a betrayal is . . . a betrayal is when you think you have one type of a relationship and you discover that your relationship is not what you thought.  A betrayal may be deliberate or just an act of poor judgement.  A betrayal is broken trust in a relationship.  Betrayals hurt and have a destructive impact on the person betrayed.  Here are some of the negative impacts of a betrayal:

1. Broken trust.  A betrayal seems to cause an imaginary wall to rise up in a person and hinders future trust.  This wall is a form of self protection that says "I will not let anyone hurt me again."  With time, perspective, forgiveness and healing this wall will come down.

2. Emotional sadness and depression. A betrayal is devastating and creates a deep pain which may lead to depression.

3. Lowered self esteem.  A betrayal destroys confidence and can have a negative impact on a person's self image.

4. An increase in suspicion.  A betrayal breaks trust and causes questioning and suspicion.

5. A negative impact on reputation.  A betrayal is a deception and creates a negative reputation for the person who has been betrayed.

Betrayal is devastating.  However, it is possible to go forward after a betrayal. 

To overcome a betrayal will require two things - time and work.  The shock of a betrayal can weigh heavy on the soul for months and even years.  Moving beyond shock requires taking intentional and healthy steps to move forward.  Here are three steps to healing after a betrayal:

Step One:  Reframe what has happened. When a person has been betrayed - it is likely there were warnings that came before the realization of the betrayal.  Reflecting upon what happened can be helpful to the healing process.  Journalling thoughts and feelings and talking to God about the hurt and anger are ways to get the poison out.  

Step Two: Rebuild self esteem.  Creating a list of accomplishments and things that you and others like about you helps to increase self esteem.  Review the list regularly and believe it.  

Step Three:  Letting Go and Forgiving.  Let's face it, one person does not have to define YOU nor your future.  The person who betrayed you may have lacked judgment, been immature, or a fool.  Begin to hang out with winners - people who are wise and have a track record of integrity.  Life is too short to stay stuck in the impact of a betrayal.  

It is possible to overcome a betrayal.  Today is the day to take the first step forward to a positive future. 

For more information on recovery or to talk with Susan check out: www.stages2change.com

Three Sets of Rules for Healthy Communication

Communication: Moving from Disrespect to Respect

Couples can learn how to have healthy communication.

Does your conversation with your spouse ever sound like this:

Husband, "Honey, I am home."

Wife, "Great! Today is trash day."

Husband. "I just got home, I want to rest before I take out the trash."

Wife, "I did not say you needed to take it out NOW."

Husband, "YOU just said  'it is trash day' which means you want me to take it out!"

Wife, "No, I was just reminding you - I did not want to forget."

Husband, "What's for dinner?"

Wife, "I am not your slave!  I just got home 15 minutes ago - maybe YOU could pick something up for dinner on the way home."

Husband, "Geez, you are moody - is it PMS again?"

Wife, "Go watch the news and leave me alone!"

Husband, "Women!"

Coming home from work is a transition time.  It is a time when a person goes from the pressures of the work day to the relaxation of the evening.  When a person comes home from work, they are often tired and hungry.  A transition time is needed to allow the thoughts of the work day to slip away.  Husbands and wives may have different pressing needs at the end of the work day.  This transition into the evening hours may not always go smoothly.  

I know, because I had this issue with my spouse.  My husband and I had moved from communicating kind pleasantries to attacking each other with a regular stream of disrespect.  We misunderstood each other.  He would say something and I would read into his words thinking he meant something else.  Instead of communicating we had begun to defend ourselves, which led to constant disrespect.

The disrespect had increased to the level where we needed to go to a marriage counselor to help us understand each other.  

Counselor Mary was a great mediator.  The first thing she did was let us vent all our frustrations.  She would listen to my husband and his stories and complaints.  Than she would listen to my complaints and hurts.  After about three visits, she gave us a tool to help us begin to have healthy communication.  She even made us practice this tool in her office. We learned how to respect each other.  Counselor Mary helped us to see we were not each others enemies.  She helped us to see we had a communication problem that could be corrected.  She gave us a tool to use that has helped us to respect each other again. Perhaps this tool will help you as you seek to communicate with someone.  It helps if both understand how the Speaker Listener Technique works.  Here is the tool she gave us:

Couples can move from disrespect to respect.

Speaker Listener Technique

First - Rules for the Speaker

1. Speak for yourself, don't mind read.

2. Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on.

3. Stop to let the listener paraphrase.

Second - Rules for the Listener

1. Paraphrase what you hear.

2. Focus on the speaker's message. Don't rebut.

Third - Rules for Both

1. The speaker has the floor.

2. Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.

3. Share the floor.

I am a addictions and recovery counselor.  My counseling is designed to help a person to learn how to move through the process of change from an unhealthy lifestyle into a healthy lifestyle.  

If you have a question on communication or living a healthy life - please send me an email. 

www.stages2change.com