Changing the Stinkin' Thinkin'

From Shame to Truth

I went to the gym yesterday.  I have known for sometime that I need to get back into shape.  

I can blame my new weight gain on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day and Birthdays . . . but in reality I have become undisciplined in my eating and exercise habits.  

At the gym I had a young buff trainer named Jonathan.  He probably thought I looked like his mother.  He showed me how to maneuver the weights and the seats so I could find the best position for me as I attempted strength training.  He showed me how to use the tread mill.   I had to be attached with a clip - in case I fell off the tread mill  it would stop. 

The tread mill was cool, I could wear headphones and watch CNN or Fox News at the same time I was walking.  The second day I used the tread mill, I realized I could also see myself walking. The four tread mills were set along a mirrored wall.   I watched myself walking.  At first I did not recognize myself.  Who is that middle aged, sweaty and overweight lady?  

I carry an image of what I look like in my head.  The image in the mirror that day was not the same picture that is in my head.  I see myself as much younger, much less wrinkled, trimmer and there are no gray hairs.  

What image do you carry of yourself?   Does it match the one in the mirror?  

My father is a youthful 80 year old.  He is active, sane, witty and healthy.  One day I asked him what it is like to be his age. How do you see yourself?  

He said, "I see myself as a 25 year old man." 

Sometimes a person with a beautiful and healthy body sees themselves as ugly and fat.  Again there is a discrepancy between the true image and the imagined self image. 

In the dictionary shame is defined as,

"A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace."

When a person experiences negative shame - they will feel unrealistic guilt or a sense of "badness" about them self.  Statements like:

* "I am bad."

* "I am unlovable." 

* "I am garbage."

* "I am not worthy." 

are all shame based statements.  They are simply not true statements.  To overcome negative shame a person must begin to see and embrace the truth about themselves. 

For an aging person, they may need to embrace the fact that they are no longer young. That does not mean they are not beautiful. Beauty comes from the inside.  For the person who is young and attractive yet feels they are fat and ugly - they may need to learn that they are not ugly - and they are worthy.

Replacing old tapes with new messages - that is a first step in overcoming shameful thinking.  Taking the stinkin thinkin' (as the 12 step programs call it) of "I am bad and unworthy" and saying to yourself 

"I have made mistakes, yes, however I am worthy and I have purpose."

As a person takes steps to recovery they will consider their thoughts and begin to replace negative thinking with truthful thinking. To learn more about overcoming addiction check out the free resources at www.Stages2Change.com

Soul Care for the Bully

Bullying is in the news frequently these days.  Whether it is on the high school sports team, at a teenage girl’s slumber party or in the office workplace.  

When a person uses the tactics of bullying it is an attempt to control another person through intimidating behavior. A lot has been written for the victim of bullying. Things like remove yourself from the situation, don’t get into confrontations with a bully, recognize it is not about you but it is about he bully’s insecurities and attempt to control you. I am wondering what happens to the person who uses bullying tactics. What happens to their soul?

I have read that a person who bullies is trying to make themselves feel better through the tearing down of another person.  Frequently this person is a threat to the bully.  I have also read that a bully has been over powered through bullying or abused as a child and now through his bullying behavior attempting to regain his power.

Bullying is the use of intimidation, invalidation, harassment, threats, put downs and physical attacks on a weaker person.  Bullies don’t pick on someone their own size.  They tend to overpower the weak and helpless, the innocent and compliant.

A bully’s lack the skill of compromise. It is the “My way or the highway mentality.”  A bully may say they want you out of their life; however, they need to have someone in their life to “pick on” in order to feel better about themselves.  It is a relational problem.

Have you ever noticed how it is the hurting people who go around hurting other people?  Ironically, the reverse is also true.  We are hurt in relationship and we are emotionally healed in relationship. 

Is their hope for the bully?  Yes, absolutely.  It is through accountability.  A bully must come to the place where they see their behavior as what it really is – an attempt to control another person.  A person who uses bullying as a method to control another person frequently suffers from low self-esteem.  They see themselves as worthless.  They may feel  shame – the “I am bad” belief.  When they bully someone and that person retaliates it makes the bully feel that he is not the only one with negative behavior – see that person too will use destructive tactics.

The victim of bullying has the opportunity to be instrumental in bringing about the positive change in the bully’s behavior.  This is through – not reacting to the bully’s threats and using accountability.  Let’s face it a bully is wanting a reaction – they expect the person they bully to shout, or fight back.  It is an impotent situation when the bully attacks a person and there is no response.  Yes, the bully may escalate their behavior and if it becomes unsafe the victim must remove himself or herself for safety.  However the victim does not need to retaliate.  The best thing a victim can do is to allow the bullying behavior to bounce off of them and land back upon the bully through no response.