Combating the ANTs - Automatic Negative Thoughts

Ants Will Come - What Will You Do?

"The cup is half full," says the optimist.  

"What - the cup is half empty!" exclaims the pessimist.   

How a situation is viewed will make an impact on how a person feels.  Seeing the opportunity in a situation brings hope.  Seeing only the negative - breeds depression and discouragement.

Some call it "stinkin' thinkin'."  Professionals refer to stinkin' thinkin' as automatic negative thoughts or ANTs.  What are some of the ANTs cropping up in the minds of negative thinkers?  

1.  All or nothing thinking - black and white thinking, things are all good or all bad.

2.  Guilty thinking - always, never, should, everyone, every time, ought.

3.  Negative thinking - seeing all the bad things and not viewing the positive things in a situation.

4.  Illogical thinking or feeling based thinking - basing a view on feelings instead of logic.

5.  Blaming others - blaming or being a victim not allowing self growth or self responsibility. 

6.  Placing self in a box - names or labels are confining and bring defeat.

7.  Predicting a negative outcome - claiming to know the future is fortune telling and will prohibit risk taking and the opportunity to succeed.

ANTS can be overcome.  Here are three ways to combat or defeat the ANTs:

1.  Name the ANT - which kind of ant are you dealing with - name it. Recognizing and naming the ant is the first step in combating the ant.

2.  Keep a journal of your thoughts - writing down your negative thought and reconsidering the thought with a positive thought or positive outcome.

3.  Speaking to the ANT -  Replacing the ANT with a positive affirmation or statement will begin to reprogram the negative thinking.  "I can do this. I am not stupid. I may be afraid but I will be courageous.  I am responsible for my negative choice. etc." 

Change starts in the mind.  How a person thinks will determine how they feel and what risks they will take.  When a person feels good, positive, hopeful and confident they will choose to set goals and believe they can achieve the goals even when setbacks occur on the path of change.

Taken from Daniel Amen, MD's material in "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" 

www.stages2change.com

Rise in Illicit Drug Use Findings

The SAMSHA website released Shocking News: Rise in Illicit Drug Use

Illicit Drug Use Increasing

The use of illicit drugs among Americans increased between 2008 and 2010, according to a national survey conducted by SAMHSA. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) shows that 22.6 million Americans age 12 or older (8.9 percent of the population) were current illicit drug users. The rate of use in 2010 was similar to the rate in 2009 (8.7 percent), but remained above the 2008 rate (8.0 percent). Another disturbing trend is the continuing rise in the rate of current illicit drug use among young adults age 18 to 25—from 19.6 percent in 2008 to 21.2 percent in 2009 and 21.5 percent in 2010. This increase was also driven in large part by a rise in the rate of current marijuana use among this population.

“We stand at a crossroads in our Nation’s efforts to prevent substance abuse and addiction,” said SAMHSA Administrator Pamela S. Hyde, J.D. “These statistics represent real lives that are at risk from the harmful and sometimes devastating effects of illicit drug use. This nation cannot afford to risk losing more individuals, families, and communities to illicit drugs or from other types of substance abuse—instead, we must do everything we can to effectively promote prevention, treatment, and recovery programs across our country.”

The annual NSDUH survey, released by SAMHSA at the kickoff of the 22nd annual National Recovery Month observance, is a scientifically conducted annual survey of approximately 67,500 people throughout the country, age 12 and older. Because of its statistical power, NSDUH is the Nation’s premier source of statistical information on the scope and nature of many behavioral health issues.

www.stages2change.com

From Crisis to Opportunity - Changing Our View

Your Future Never Looked Brighter!

After the storm - a beautiful rainbow appear

Recently I attended a conference for caregivers.  Caregivers labor sacrificially in the rudimentary care of loved ones who are losing physical and mental capacity.  Caregivers are the unsung heroes living in the shadows of the chronically ill. This conference was designed as a reminder for the caregiver to take care of themselves so they can better care for their loved one.

A motivational speaker began the day with a story:

A young student came home with a failing grade on a final exam.  Entering her home, she went to her mother sobbing.  Her mother asked her what was the matter.  The student showed her mother the exam with the "F" written at the top of the page.  Without skipping a beat the mother told her daughter, "Honey, your future never looked brighter!"   Confused at her mother's response the daughter said, "Mama, I failed the class and I need this class to graduate."  Her mother looked at her with hope in her eyes and said, "Darling, when you take the course over, you will be more prepared and ahead of all the other students.  You will surely do well.  Your future never looked brighter." 

It was at that moment that the mother took a negative situation and instilled hope in her daughter.  She did take the class over and she passed going on to graduate. 

When you are faced with a crisis, how do you view your situation? 

The east coast experienced tumultuous flooding and devastation due to the recent attack of Hurricane Irene.  My niece had a tree collapse through the roof of her home.  The tree split the roof in half and demolished many possessions including her computer.  

Can I say to her, "Your future never looked brighter?"  

Let's consider that thought.  Her house was an older home.  With her faithful homeowner's insurance payments, she is now entitled to receive a new roof and replacement of her valuable possessions with newer possessions.  She has not won the lottery, however, she will have her home repaired and it will be nicer than it was before the hurricane.

Changing our view of a crisis or setback to see the opportunity and good fortune will instill hope and inspire new goals.  

It has been said that failure is an event which does not need to control the future.  Are you letting failures hold you back?  It may be time to reframe your view of the failed event and see it as an opportuity.  Afterall, your future never looked brighter.

www.stages2change.com

Venus Williams Diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome

Take Care of Your Health

Today the news reported that tennis star Venus Williams has dropped out of the US Open Tennis Match due to complications from an autoimmune disease.  Venus is 31 years old and has a systemic disease called Sjogren's Syndrome.   You may be wondering, what is Sjogren's Syndrome?

Venus Williams in jumper at Wimbledon earlier this year.

Sjorgren's Syndrome is a chronic autoimmune disease where the white blood cells attack the moisture producing glands.  It is estimated that over 4 million people -primarily women - have Sjogren's Syndrome in the United States.  
This disease is characterized by dry mouth and eyes, aching joint and muscle pain, overwhelming fatigue and arthritis.

The reason this news story has interest for me is because my mother had Sjorgren's Syndrome.  I watched as Mama's doctors ignored her bodily complaints over the years - telling her it was all in her imagination.  Finally, through a National Institutes of Health research program she was officially diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome and able to receive the medical care and support she needed.

If you or someone you love has Sjogren's Syndrome there is help available. The Sjogren's Syndrome Foundation has a website that is a useful resource http://www.sjogrens.org/

My Mama, Helen Beery

When you are not happy with a doctor's diagnoses it is ok and important to visit another doctor and get a second opinion.  
I learned the importance of a second opinion in 1997 when I had a cancer diagnose.  My original doctor was able to diagnose the cancer.  However, he did not diagnose the full extent of the cancer.  If I had only followed his treatment plan, the cancer would have returned and I may not be here.  Receiving a second opinion I learned that I was in Stage 2 Cancer and would require a full regimen of treatment to eradicate the cancer.  I was able to recovery, remarry and have a second child - all after the cancer. 

Keep in mind your body belongs to you.  How you care for and treat your body is your decision.  
As a person enters into recovery from an addiction, they may notice all sorts of body aches and pains that they were unaware of before.  Getting a good physical is an important first step in taking care of yourself.  My mother passed away 6 years ago tomorrow. She was only 70 years old.  If she understood her disease and was able to receive an early diagnose she might be alive today.  

www.stages2change.com

Relapse: Become Aware of the Seven Triggers

Relapse: When a Thought Becomes an Action

Imagine yourself sitting in the movie theater and an advertisement for a refreshing coca cola and box of salty popcorn flashes on the screen.  You had not planned to visit the concession stand.  The thought of having a cold drink and some popcorn is now in your mind.  

The power of suggestion turns into an action.

You tell yourself that the movie won't start for five more minutes.  You get out of your seat and walk out to the concession stand and purchase a coca cola and popcorn.  This is an example of how the power of suggestion works. Seeing the popcorn image on the screen triggered a desire to eat some popcorn and drink a cold drink.  Triggers begin as a thought or suggestion which turns into an action.  

Staying sober and one day choosing to use again is called "relapsing."  A relapse is a common aspect of recovery.  When an addict has a relapse and returns to their recovery path they can become stronger in their recovery as they will realize they are powerless over their addiction.  Relapse starts with a trigger which begins the thinking about using.  The thinking about using, gives birth to the action of using or relapsing. 

There are seven triggers that can stimulate the urge to use. 

The seven triggers are:

* people

* places

* things

* events

* activities

* feelings

* physical health

People - When a person is actively using drugs and alcohol they typically have people around them that they either use with or supply them.  Once you are on the path to recovery, the people you spend time with may need to change.   As you begin to recover, spend time with people who are supportive of your new life of recovery.  

Places may trigger the desire to use drugs.

Places - Perhaps you are in the habit of going to the local bar for a burger after work or the casino with friends. Certain places will be reminders of using drugs and alcohol.  It will be important for you to avoid these places especially as you begin recovery and learn how to relax without using drugs or alcohol.
Things - Possessions can be reminders of using drugs and alcohol.  What is in a person's home reveals how they spend their time.  If you have bongs on the coffee table, subscribe to High Times, use tin foil in the kitchen, have a special drinking glass or a liquor cabinet, you may need to replace these items in order to remain on the recovery path.

Events - Celebrations such as weddings, New Year's Eve, July 4th, Super Bowl Sunday, and birthdays may have be times of drinking and using drugs. Learning to attend these events and stay sober will take time.  You may need to decline invitations as you learn how to make healthy choices in recovery.

Activities and habits - Perhaps you are the type of person who would come home after work and pour yourself a drink or light up a blunt.  Maybe on dates you would order wine with your meal.  Attending sporting events, concerts, cook-outs, weddings and girls night out may have been times of partying and using.  It may be helpful to begin new activities and habits as you walk on the recovery path.

Feelings -  Emotional times may stir the thought of using drugs or alcohol.  Learning how to handle feelings in sobriety is a new skill.  Having a sober coach, mentor or sponsor to call when you are feeling like using again is one way to grow stronger in managing feelings on your path of recovery. 

Physical health - Bodily aches, an onset of a disease, old injuries, tooth pain, headaches, broken bones, and surgery are all opportunities to return to using.  It is possible that the doctor will prescribe a new drug that could be addictive.  Being aware that taking care of your health with exercise, proper nutrition and rest will help combat the risk of using when your body is weakened. It is important to discuss with your health provider your addiction history.

Triggers will come.  It is important to be aware of each trigger.  You may want to keep a journal writing down your personal triggers and how you will handle triggers when they come.  Having a written plan is one way of maintaining a successful recovery.

To learn more about recovery check out our web site:

www.stages2change.com

Choosing to Overcome Adversity

The Choice Begins with Me

Choosing to change begins with you.

An attractive young adult walked confidently into the courtroom.  She turned to face the 57 year old vagrant who kidnapped and tormented her for nine months.  Taking a deep breath, she said "I don’t have very much to say to you.  I know exactly what you did and I know that you know what you did was wrong. You did it with a full knowledge. I want you to know that I have a wonderful life now, that no matter what you do, it will not affect me again. You took away nine months of my life that can never be returned. But in this life and in the next, you will have to be held responsible for those actions and I hope you are ready when the time comes."  Taken from the Healer's Choice by Roger Allen

Pedophile Brian Mitchell kidnapped 14 year old Elizabeth Smart from her bedroom.  He spent nine months brainwashing, raping, and hiding young Elizabeth before getting caught.  Elizabeth had a choice.  She could let those traumatic nine months define her as a victim and live defeated.  Or, she could see the personal crisis as an opportunity to move forward and use it as a mission to help others. Today, Elizabeth Smart is an advocate for other young kidnapped children and their families.

Losing a job, financial hardship, addiction, a terminal illness, relational strife, an automobile wreck, death of a loved one are all examples of a personal crisis.  Experiencing a crisis changes the day's normal routine and brings adversity.  
How do you handle a personal crisis?  
Are you taken off guard?  
Is there space in your day for the unexpected?  
Are you a rigid or a flexible person?  

If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. 

Proverbs 24:1

How you respond to a crisis will determine your future.  
"It is not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it is how you handle what happens to you." Motivational Speaker Zig Ziglar 

Everyone will experience a personal crisis if not today - one day.  No one is immune from life's trials.  Your personal crisis may not make the news.  When you are in a crisis, examine your thinking and ask yourself, Am I allowing this crisis to defeat me?  What can I learn from this crisis? 

Another victim of abuse states, "to truly move beyond my past pain began with a very intentional choice. I remember the day, more than 15 years ago, that I made the decision to choose a different path. I stenciled a small poster with a simple message that still hangs on my wall today. It says “I choose hope. I choose healing. I choose joy. I choose LIFE!'"

Written by Susan Buck, MA, LADC
susan@stages2change.com

www.stages2change.com

To view the Stages2Change video blog go to: http://soulfoodvideo.blogspot.com/

I Went to Church Today . . .

God Loves Me . . . I Will Choose to Love You

Country church in Iowa, USA

I went to church today.  Attending church is important to me.  I have not always wanted to go to church.  One day, I read a book by Phillip Yancey "Church Why Bother."  He explained in the book that church is the vehicle Christ left for us to gather, use our spiritual gifts and have a safe community to share His love.  

Today in church, I sat obediently in my chair - we don't have a pew in the 10:10 service.  I stood and sang and sat and sang.  Our family gave our tithe.  We prayed we listened.  We gathered with others and ate donuts and drank coffee.  I participated in my church duty.

This evening I took my Vespa for a ride in the country.  I had a chat with God.  I told him that I don't always like to be around people.  When I am around people I feel all these expectations.   I cannot live up to these expectations. I feel pushed and swayed by others opinions and needs.  I find myself lost and I forget who I am.  At times, I lose hope.  God reminded me that after Jesus spent a lot of time with people He would spend time alone.

When I am alone talking to God I feel love.  I feel strong.  I feel special.  I realize that God designed me with a purpose.  I believe I have unique gifts and talents.  

When I am around others - I start to feel inferior.  There is always someone prettier.  There is always someone more capable.  There is always someone who has more possessions.  Instead of celebrating my uniqueness and beauty.  I start to berate myself and fault find.  

I feel safe when I am with God - all alone.  No one watching. Just me and God.  God loving on me and me loving on God.  Why oh why is it so hard for people to love each other?

It occurs to me that loving is a choice not just a feeling.  I can love others whether they love me or not.  I can reach out in kindness and compassion and be the inspiration to spread love - oh how we need it today.

The greatest commandment is to Love God and Love Others.   Loving others begins with me and it begins with you.  Today find one person you can encourage with love.  Help them to feel special and to know they have a purpose.  Be the church to someone who needs to experience God's love and community.

www.stages2change.com

The Healing Power of Affirmations

Genuine Words of Affirmation

"I believe in you."

Harsh words and criticisms pollute the air.  All too often, criticisms are handed out freely and compliments are stingily withheld.   Spouses, parents and bosses seem to enjoy criticizing and pointing out mistakes.  Some say this is a way to make themselves feel better - noticing others faults.  This negative form of communicating is destructive and creates walls in relationships.  There is a better way to relate.  Giving a sincere compliment, noticing when someone does something well, are ways to build relationships. Too often we may admire someone, yet never tell them. 

We all want to know that we are valuable and good at things.  Hearing affirmations is empowering and healing. 

When you share a genuine compliment, walls come down, the relationship becomes a little closer and self confidence increases.  Friends, family and employees have an on going need for sincere verbal affirmation.  It is unrealistic to expect people to figure out that we appreciate them when we do not tell them in words.  Instead of being sparing in our compliments, perhaps we could adopt a philosophy of being generous in sharing genuine words of affirmation.

Today is the day you can begin to share words of appreciation.  You may not like everything about a person and they may not like everything about you.  However, every person has something about them to like.  I have created a list of 20 affirmation statements that show appreciation and bring encouragement: 

 

Thank you for taking the time.

I enjoy being with you.

You are right.

I am proud of you.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe in you.

I appreciate all you do.

You are special to me.

I needed your help.

Together we can make it.

You are important to me.

Your smile is contagious.

You are a good listener.

I appreciate your honesty.

I admire you.

You are my hero.

That is a wise thing to say.

You bring my life meaning.

I am happy when I am with you.

I am glad you are in my life. 

To learn more about recovery or to make an appointment with Susan check out our website at www.stages2change.com

Three Benefits of Developing a Routine

Living a Structured Life 

Summer is over and the school year is beginning.  Parents are shopping for school supplies, considering what to put into lunchboxes and replacing last year's jeans.

The first day of school brings a new routine.

Children and parents are adjusting their lives to a new fall routine.  When a person enters a rehab - one of the first things they are hit with is a daily routine.  Gone are the days of leisurely sleeping in, lounging in pjs until mid-afternoon and watching late night television.  Specialists in recovery have learned that living a structured life brings order and aids recovery.  What are the benefits of having a routine in recovery?

Three benefits of developing a routine:

 

1. Relaxation - A routine teaches boundaries and encourages a simple and relaxed day.  Without a routine, lives are lived without boundaries.  Expectations are unclear. A routine organizes a day and brings a sense of accomplishment.

2.  Values - A routine promotes values. A structured day allows a person to plan and do the things each day that are important.  For example, scheduling a daily quiet time, walk around the block or time to read can promote the values of spirituality, exercise and intellectual stimulation.

3.  Peace - A routine provides peace. During times of drama, reverting to a familiar and comfortable routine will decrease stress. 

Whoever thinks a routine is boring or steals creativity has not experienced the benefits of a daily structure.  Creativity can flourish within a structured and routine life. 

"Idle time is the devil's workshop" is an old English proverb ("Hand-Book of Proverbs" by H.G. Bohn).  Idle time allows a person to imagine problems that may not exist.  When a mind is busy with projects at work or school it is occupied and there is less time to worry over problems.  A routine brings about a healthy and happy life through the predictable structure and daily accomplishment of valued activities.

www.stages2change.com

Four Tips to Help an Addict Change

Helping an Addict Change

Families, friends and counselors often are frustrated in waiting and watching for an addict to change.  The addict promises to do things differently and may even attempt to live without drugs . . . only to find they fall deeper into the addictive cycle.  Loved ones may lose hope and want to give up on the addict.  

Before a loved one quits on the addict, be aware that there is hope. There is a path to help an addict change and it begins with you.  To help an addict change, you must educate yourself on addiction. 

Here are four tips to help an addict change.  These tips are written for you - the family, friend, counselor and loved one.  They are designed to increase your awareness so you can understand the addict's reality and struggle to take the first step toward healthy change. 

Four tips to help an addict change:

First - Be aware that most addicts will underestimate their substance use.  They may be in denial. Denial is not lying. An addict in denial actually believes what they say about their relationship with drugs and alcohol.  Denial is when an addict is not aware of the seriousness or consequences of their substance abuse. 

Second - Be aware that many substance abusers will require medication to manage the physical dependence as they withdraw.  In order to detox, an addict may require medical assistance to ensure a safe withdrawal.

Third - Be aware of self medication.  Frequently an addict is suffering from a co-occurring disorder.  In other words, there may be an underlying reason an addict is using substances and they may be self medicating through the use of  drugs and alcohol.  These underlying reasons such as anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, major depression, paranoia, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder may require a psychological evaluation and the use of medication to stabilize an addict so they can have a successful recovery.   

Fourth - Be aware that abstinence is the desired outcome for the addict and as the addict chooses to change they may experience set backs or a relapse which is a brief return to using substances.

Walking the path of recovery is not meant to be done alone.

To help an addict change it is important to use a nonjudgmental and supportive approach.  Guide the addict to consider the consequences of past and continued abuse of substances. 

Patience and longsuffering are required as the family and friends join the path of recovery alongside an addict.  Family and friends benefit from attending Alanon, Celebrate Recovery or a Family Education group to learn more about recovery, find supportive relationships and share their personal struggles.

Remember there is hope and hope is the lifeblood of longsuffering.

To talk with a counselor or learn more check out our webpage:  www.stages2change.com

 

Alcohol is the Central Factor in College Rape

Preparing to Send Students Away to College - Be Wise

My Alma Mater - Hokie Mascot

This summer, I visited my alma mater.  I was surprised to see that the cellar door of one of the popular drinking spots was still swinging for the students.
Driving around town, I reminisced over my college days.  I remember the lonely feeling of leaving home for the first time.  I recall my first friends and the late night phone calls to go to the cellar for a beer after a night of studying.  As I got to know more people, I would visit fraternity parties and field parties, attend dances, or sit with a group in the dorm and play quarters.  This was a time of extended adolescence, a period of growing up and out of the nest and into the career world.  I guess I thought of it as a rite of passage . . . .
Over the next few weeks, many families will be sending their young adults off to college.  Some of these students will be leaving home for the first time.  College brings unexpected pressures.  Pressures that include living with roommates, being away from family, balancing classes, living on a shoestring and developing a healthy social life.  Some students will decide to pledge a sorority or fraternity and enter into the fall "rush" period. Weekend gatherings with free flowing alcohol will abound.  Koolaid or fruit punch mixed with grain alcohol may be served out of iced down coolers or bathtubs.  Parties will offer plastic cups of free or cheap keg beer.   With an ID (real or fake), students hang out at local clubs drinking with their new friends.  
Along with the new freedoms, comes an experimenting in sexuality.  It is not uncommon for a group of guys and a group of girls to go out on a weekend night and end up going home with a new partner.
Inebriation smooths the process of easy hook-ups.  

Many parents see these activities as a "rite of passage."  Something that happens in college and will be outgrown.  Is it wise to look the other way and consider binge drinking and easy hook-ups as a right of passage?

Greek's Cellar the watering hole I went to while a student in college.

Here is what Professor George W. Dowdall at Saint Joseph's University and co-author of a 2004 study of alcohol on college campuses says, "Binge drinking isn't a harmless rite of passage but a risk factor in violence against women.  Institutions of higher education need to change the culture of college drinking in order to make colleges safer and healthier environments."
In fact, the study shows that binge drinking is the number one public health problem among college students – associated with a range of consequences that include lower grades, vandalism and physical and sexual violence. 
College campuses where over 50% of the students drink alcohol, experience an increase in acquaintance rape.  Acquaintance rape is when two people know each other and have non consensual sex which often occurs under the influence of alcohol. According to a Harvard College Alcohol Study, alcohol use is the central factor in most college rapes.  Young men and women may not call it rape - they may see it as a hook up gone bad or a college experience.  This viewpoint does not alleviate the scars that may occur from this experience, not to mention an unwanted pregnancy or STD.

I am writing this blog as a wake up call for families and students.  I hope you will discuss the reality and dangers of life at college.   My concern is for students to be careful in college.  Be wise and do not go home with someone you have just met.  Be wise and travel or go out with a friend.  Be wise and watch out for each other.  And most of all - do not be overly trusting.  Yes, have fun and remember to play it safe.

To read more on this study check out: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/college/a/blcas040214.htm
To visit my web site: www.stages2change.com

Three Steps to Healing After a Betrayal

"I have never loved you - I have always loved someone else."

Betrayal, Broken Trust and Healing

Climbing into bed, a husband tells his wife about an affair that occurred 10 years earlier.  He communicates with a cool smugness and turns out the light, rolls over and begins to snore.  In shock at his betrayal, the wife lies in bed for hours unable to sleep.

The impact of a betrayal in a close relationship is devastating.  The lies, deceit, shock and blow of broken trust can shake a person to their emotional core.  

What are some of the effects of betrayal?  First lets consider what a betrayal is . . . a betrayal is when you think you have one type of a relationship and you discover that your relationship is not what you thought.  A betrayal may be deliberate or just an act of poor judgement.  A betrayal is broken trust in a relationship.  Betrayals hurt and have a destructive impact on the person betrayed.  Here are some of the negative impacts of a betrayal:

1. Broken trust.  A betrayal seems to cause an imaginary wall to rise up in a person and hinders future trust.  This wall is a form of self protection that says "I will not let anyone hurt me again."  With time, perspective, forgiveness and healing this wall will come down.

2. Emotional sadness and depression. A betrayal is devastating and creates a deep pain which may lead to depression.

3. Lowered self esteem.  A betrayal destroys confidence and can have a negative impact on a person's self image.

4. An increase in suspicion.  A betrayal breaks trust and causes questioning and suspicion.

5. A negative impact on reputation.  A betrayal is a deception and creates a negative reputation for the person who has been betrayed.

Betrayal is devastating.  However, it is possible to go forward after a betrayal. 

To overcome a betrayal will require two things - time and work.  The shock of a betrayal can weigh heavy on the soul for months and even years.  Moving beyond shock requires taking intentional and healthy steps to move forward.  Here are three steps to healing after a betrayal:

Step One:  Reframe what has happened. When a person has been betrayed - it is likely there were warnings that came before the realization of the betrayal.  Reflecting upon what happened can be helpful to the healing process.  Journalling thoughts and feelings and talking to God about the hurt and anger are ways to get the poison out.  

Step Two: Rebuild self esteem.  Creating a list of accomplishments and things that you and others like about you helps to increase self esteem.  Review the list regularly and believe it.  

Step Three:  Letting Go and Forgiving.  Let's face it, one person does not have to define YOU nor your future.  The person who betrayed you may have lacked judgment, been immature, or a fool.  Begin to hang out with winners - people who are wise and have a track record of integrity.  Life is too short to stay stuck in the impact of a betrayal.  

It is possible to overcome a betrayal.  Today is the day to take the first step forward to a positive future. 

For more information on recovery or to talk with Susan check out: www.stages2change.com

3 Keys to Embracing Hope

If you hang out with me for any length of time, you will discover that I take pictures everywhere I go.  I saw these words on a sign during a Christmas visit to Washington, DC.  The words are "embracing hope."  
Being a relatively new full time caretaker to my disabled husband has sunk me into a premature grief.  I have come to accept that he is not going to get better and our life will change permanently.  Coming to this realization, I found myself  depressed.  
I have always found the spoken word helpful when I am discouraged.  On my shelf I had three volumes of tapes from motivational Christian speaker Zig Ziglar.  Driving in my car, I began to listen to his encouraging and very funny teaching.  Zig talked about having hope.  
Hope is a critical element in considering the future.  Without hope, well, frankly a person may think about giving up.  
Contemplating the word H-O-P-E . . . I think of how powerful that four letter word really is.  Hope - is a word based on today with a promise of good things for the future.  
Where does our hope come from?  Is it possible to self-generate hope?  
I have found there are three keys to embracing hope:  
The first key is having faith.  Realizing there is a higher power a God who will never leave nor forsake me.  I do not have to face my future alone.  
The second key is being in community. When I hang out with friends or family, I feel a sense of belonging and love.  Again, I realize I am not alone.  
The third key is reviewing my life.  I did not get to be a member of AARP without going through a lot of life experiences.  I have had many challenges and have successfully survived tough times.  In reviewing my life, I realize that I can make it.  Hope is the lifeblood to longsuffering.  Embracing hope is important when the future is unknown. 

www.stages2change.com

Serenity is a Benefit of Time in Nature

Serenity May Be Experienced in Nature

Driving on a back road through the forest I sense the stress of the world begin to fall off my shoulders.  Arriving at my destination, I get out of the car and stroll through the woods.  I find a bench.  Sitting quietly, I listen. I hear the rustling leaves in the wind.  I feel a cool breeze pass. I smell a freshness in the forest.  Ahhhh peace. 

When a teenager is troubled, the family may send the teen to a recovery center that is located by the beach or in the mountains.  It is in this natural surrounding that the teen will begin to discover their powerlessness.  Spending time in nature, reveals there is a creator. 

Man did not make the trees, the birds, the ocean.  No, they were created . . . . . and through this realization,  a sense of awe occurs.

My soul calms itself when I sit in natural surroundings. Sitting, thinking, journaling, praying or even napping in nature can bring a serenity to the soul. 

I become calm.  The worries of the world slip away.  My spirit communes with the Holy Spirit and there is a peace. There is a knowing that I am not alone.  That I will "make it."  I can surrender and be at peace - one day at a time.

www.stages2change.com

Beach Vacation with the Original Family

Spending Time with Family

I have been spending my summer vacation at a beach house with my original family.   My parents were midwesterns who traveled a lot because dad served in the military.   My folks had three children - a boy, a girl and a boy.  My oldest brother excelled at everything he attempted.  He was academically gifted and climbed the scouting ranks to Eagle Scout.  My younger brother was more fun and constantly made us laugh.  It was no surprise when he attended Clown College and ran off with the circus at 18.  Me . . . I am the middle child.  I was shy at times and rebellious at times.  I would shift from spending time alone in my room listening to records or reading books to acting out with my friends. I always had a best friend to tell my secrets and we would stay up late chatting on the phone.   It was me who would defy my mother and  cause an atmosphere of worry and unrest.  I am happy to say that at age 30, I finally settled down.  Dad's military job moved us around a lot.  I felt like I was always starting my life over with new schools, friends and interests.   I observed Mom raise three little children while Dad was stationed in Vietnam.  

Families that have a lot of stress, moves, illness or addiction frequently have children that have similar characteristics.  These characteristics or roles have been given the following names: the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child and the mascot.  Here are some of the typical traits:

The hero is usually the oldest child - he is serious, makes good grades, admired and a leader.

The scapegoat is the often the second child - she may drink or use drugs, shows anger, gets pregnant.

The lost child is the third child - he is shy and a loner who may feel closer to animals than people.

The mascot is the youngest child - he is the class cut up, appears happy go lucky and self focused.

You may recognize yourself or your siblings playing one of these roles. I think I went between the scapegoat and the lost child.  What I find interesting is how as an adult when I spend significant time with my original family, these same roles tend to show up - even after a lot of adult therapy. I am not sure why that is and it probably should not be taken too seriously. 

www.stages2change.com

Becoming Uniquely You

Be the Best You

Chicago O'Hare Airport People Mover

It is summer and time for vacations and travel.  Perhaps it is a road trip, cruise or flight to a visit relatives.  Maybe it is just a staycation (staying home and enjoying the local culture).  This summer has been a traveling summer for my family.   At the end of the summer I will have driven through eight states.  As I visit each state, I marvel at the cultural differences.  I notice something memorable or recognizable about every city or state.  Here is a little test  . . . when you read the name of a place . . . what comes to mind? 

Memphis . . . . . blues, barbeque, Stax or Sun Records, the Orpheum, Elvis and Graceland

Iowa . . . .national elections, hogs, Amana Colonies, Des Moines farmer's market, bridges

Oklahoma . . . . college football (Sooners and Cowboys), Trail of Tears, Rte. 66

North Carolina . . . outer banks, Research Triangle Park, The Biltmore, college basketball

Charlottesville . . . . UVA, Thomas Jefferson, Monticello, wine

Pigeon Forge. . . . Dolly Parton, Gaitlinburg, Smokey Mountains
Colorado Springs . . . Pikes Peak, Air Force Academy, gold rush

Chicago . . . pizza, baseball, John Hancock building, Magnificent Mile, O'Hare airport

Annapolis . . . bay bridge, Naval Academy, eating crabs

Seattle . . . grunge, Pikes Place Market, Nirvana, Sleepless in Seattle

Ananheim . . .Disneyland, ocean

Pennsylvania . . . Gettysburg, Hershey's chocolate, Pennsylvania Dutch

you get the idea.  

Every city or state has identifiable features.  Well, you know what . . . so do you.  

Every person is designed uniquely.  There is no one like me and there is no one like you.  Too often there is a desire to be someone else.  If we have red hair we want blond hair.  If we are tall we want to be short.  If we are blue eyed we want to be brown eyed.  The comparison and desire to have someone else's features steals our thoughts.  It will never work . . . . trying to be like somebody else.  So stop trying . . . embrace yourself.  Rejoice in your special talents, looks, abilities and community.  Begin to accept yourself.  Accepting ourselves brings a freedom and peace inside.  Comparisons stop.  A fresh ability to love and be loved occurs.  

I love the unique personality of each city and state.   As humans, we each have our unique personality.  Only you can be the best you.  Take a deep breath and let go of comparison. Give yourself a big hug and go forward.  Now go tell someone how you love their uniqueness . . . . .

www.stages2change.com

Suburban High School Heroin Ring Busted

Heroin Use in High School Increasing

Six Signposts Leading to Early Addiction

Families today are not like the 1950s

Families have changed over the years and the family structure of the 1950s is almost unrecognizable.  Today young parents live together and may or may not live with their own children.  Grandparents may live many miles or states away and have little involvement in a grandchild's life.  Changing work environments have led families to pick up and move in search of work.  Small towns seem to be dying.  The fabric of our culture is changing and families today are made up of many cultures and nationalities.

Addiction in the United States is the top health concern. Have you ever wondered if there was a way to protect a young person from becoming at risk for addiction?  The National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA) has identified six risk factors and six protective factors that may curb early a person's drug involvement.  Here is the list:

Six Risk Factors with Protective Factors:                                                                 

1.  Risk factor:  Early Aggressive Behavior with Protective Factors:  Self Control

2.  Risk factor: Poor Social Skills  Protective Factors: Positive Relationships

3.  Risk factor: Lack of Parental Supervision  Protective Factors:  Parental Monitoring and Support

4.  Risk factor: Substance Abuse  Protective Factors:  Academic Competence

5.  Risk factor: Drug Availability  Protective Factors:  Anti-Drug Use Policies

6.  Risk factor: Poverty  Protective Factors:  Strong Neighborhood Attachment

Taken from "Drugs, Brains and Behavior - The Science of Addiction" Published by NIDA

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Drug Use on the Job

Drug Free Workplace Meets Drug Use Workers

"It is estimated that 75% of all adult drug users are employed." NIDA

NIDA estimates that 75% of all adult drug users are employed in the workplace.  As are most binge and heavy alcohol users.

Today is a summer Friday.  This weekend employees may want to cut loose and go to happy hour, a beach or pool party, have a barbeque, spend time at an amusement park, go to the lake, attend a baseball game, play video games or some other recreational activity.  Many times these activities include the use of drugs and alcohol.  Friday, Saturday and even into Sunday the partying continues.  Monday morning arrives .  . . . . instead of being rested from the weekend, an exhaustion from the weekend of "celebrating" occurs.  There is a reason Mondays are manic and hated.  Going to work hungover and worn out is no fun - not to mention unproductive.

What are the signs an employee is abusing substances? 

Here are seven signs an employee may be abusing substances:

1. Changes jobs frequently.

2. Frequently late or absent from work.

3. Takes excessive sick leave particularly Mondays.

4. Inconsistent work habits with low productivity and missed deadlines.

5. Difficulty concentrating on work.

6. Frequent mistakes and errors in judgment.

7. Does not follow procedures.

All too often a manager will ignore these telltale signs of poor performance.  Coworkers may cover up or pick up the additional workload caused by a substance abusing employee or manager.  Managers may have a fear of confrontation that will not allow them to take corrective action.

Please note these seven signs could be from other issues such as family turmoil, illness or burnout.  However, whatever the reason, an employer may want to take a closer look at an employee who is showing these signs.

For more information on NIDA: www.drugabuse.gov

To find out how to get help for addiction: www.stages2change.com