Macabre Addiction

U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords of Arizona

The new year has begun and all eyes are focused on the recent shooting of a Congresswoman in Arizona. Geez, we hardly get going with our New Year Resolutions – to do better, to do good, to lose weight when whamo – the news turns from celebrations to mass murder.  

Again, this shooting involved a young single male who was rebellious and had a morbid interest in violence. The news showed pictures of his altar complete with a skull and candles. This young adult had a fascination with the darkness and the macabre.  

What is the macabre? 

According to my computer Word reference tools, synonyms of the word macabre are morbid, cadaverous, horrific, chilling, ghastly, gruesome, grisly, morbid and deathly.

I am noticing an increasing interest in things of the macabre.  I would go so far to say that there is an actual “macabre addiction.”

Rep Gifford's first photo after the shooting.

Let me define macabre addiction:

“Macabre Addiction is an obsessive fascination with violence, death and gore.”

In the past, lyrics in popular music were about relationship and yes, rebellion.  Have you noticed in the past 10 – 15 years more popular songs have violent lyrics?  Some genres of music focus solely on topics like killing, blood, and gore, death, guns and violence.

There is an entire community listening to a music genre called Death Metal, which glorifies dark lyrics, which focus on death, gore and violence.  If you do not believe me go to a music store and check out the top rated albums.  Gangsta rap is also popular and a genre focused on violence.

It may be true that music and movies are a reflection of the culture.  I believe music and movies influence the culture.

Is it possible to have music and movies with positive and healthy messages?  What role do we play in making a change for peaceful relationships?  What can I do? What can you do?  Think about it. In the days to come, what can you do to bring a positive message and hope to the people around you?

Shootings continue to happen. Just last Friday a 24 year old doctoral student shot over 70 innocent strangers inside a movie theater - killing 12 people including children.  

Who will stand up and fight for wholesome entertainment and a kinder and gentler society?

www.stages2change.com

 

You Are Remembered

It is never easy when someone you know dies.

I remember 15 years ago when my brother and his wife were pregnant.  I remember their phone calls of excitement and anticipation. I also remember the phone call when they lost their pregnancy.

I remember the last year of my mother’s life. I watched her slip away into eternity.  A onetime tall woman full of life shriveled into a small delicate woman in a wheelchair.  I remember the last time I saw my mother.  She had come out of surgery and was in a medically induced coma.  My brother and I stood at her side holding her hands.  We spoke gently.  I saw a tear form in the corner of my mother’s eye.

How do we remember those we love who have left this life?  We may have regrets over what we did not say or do.  We may fell angry that our time together was cut short.  I believe each life has purpose – whether the life is long or short.  Each life can be remembered. 

I do not believe the American culture grieves well. Consider the one or two days of bereavement leave offered at many places of work. The expectation is to attend the memorial service have a good cry and get back to life as it was known before the death. Is that really enough time to grieve and go through the emotions of feeling shocked, sad, angry, depressed when there has been a death of a loved one?  I say emphatically NO! 

I believe life is so much more valuable.  When a person has experienced a death they will need time to grieve.  A grieving person needs time to experience the pain of the loss.  A grieving person needs time to experience God and the Spirit’s comfort A grieving person needs time to experience comfort in relationship. A grieving person needs to be able to freely talk about their pain and unfulfilled expectations. 

This is not easy to do being a “fix it” and “get over it” society.  Comfort does come in the form of knowing you are not alone in your grief.  Sometimes all we need is a person to be in the room.  Perhaps not even talking, just being present.  Another person can help ease the pain of isolation, which comes with grief. 

There is a universal truth; suffering is as much a part of life as good fortune.  We have a promise that when we suffer, we will not be alone.  God will be with us through the painful time.

Remembering our loved one will bring healing and comfort.  How can we remember our loved ones after they die? Here are some ways:

    • Memorial service. A memorial service is a time to reflect, honor and celebrate the person’s life. Memorial services may be public or private.  They can be with a few people or with a large gathering.

    • Write a letter. Letter writing can be very cathartic.  It is a way to reach out the loved one. Listen to the words of a letter a child wrote to her stillborn sister: “Everything that lives – plants, animals, and people – has a beginning and an end. Some are alive only a short time.  How long, or how short, doesn’t really matter. It is still that person’s lifetime.  And each lifetime is special.”

    • A teenager wrote this note to his mother after the loss of her child:  “I went to buy you a card today. It was a birthday card for the baby you did not get to bring home. We talked a lot about my sister, but that was a long time ago.  I worried that if I sent you this card, it would make you feel sad again.  But I think I know how you will feel.  I will be glad because I remember her too.”

    • Plant a tree or plant.  It is very honoring to plant a tree or a plant in honor of your loved one who has died.

    • Create a memory book or box.  Some people find great comfort in placing special things in a box or creating a memory book of their loved one.  This is a tangible place where the loved one’s presence may be felt and their life honored.

    • Draw a picture, compose a poem or write in a journal. These are some creative ways to remember your loved one.

www.stages2change.com

Soul Care for the Bully

Bullying is in the news frequently these days.  Whether it is on the high school sports team, at a teenage girl’s slumber party or in the office workplace.  

When a person uses the tactics of bullying it is an attempt to control another person through intimidating behavior. A lot has been written for the victim of bullying. Things like remove yourself from the situation, don’t get into confrontations with a bully, recognize it is not about you but it is about he bully’s insecurities and attempt to control you. I am wondering what happens to the person who uses bullying tactics. What happens to their soul?

I have read that a person who bullies is trying to make themselves feel better through the tearing down of another person.  Frequently this person is a threat to the bully.  I have also read that a bully has been over powered through bullying or abused as a child and now through his bullying behavior attempting to regain his power.

Bullying is the use of intimidation, invalidation, harassment, threats, put downs and physical attacks on a weaker person.  Bullies don’t pick on someone their own size.  They tend to overpower the weak and helpless, the innocent and compliant.

A bully’s lack the skill of compromise. It is the “My way or the highway mentality.”  A bully may say they want you out of their life; however, they need to have someone in their life to “pick on” in order to feel better about themselves.  It is a relational problem.

Have you ever noticed how it is the hurting people who go around hurting other people?  Ironically, the reverse is also true.  We are hurt in relationship and we are emotionally healed in relationship. 

Is their hope for the bully?  Yes, absolutely.  It is through accountability.  A bully must come to the place where they see their behavior as what it really is – an attempt to control another person.  A person who uses bullying as a method to control another person frequently suffers from low self-esteem.  They see themselves as worthless.  They may feel  shame – the “I am bad” belief.  When they bully someone and that person retaliates it makes the bully feel that he is not the only one with negative behavior – see that person too will use destructive tactics.

The victim of bullying has the opportunity to be instrumental in bringing about the positive change in the bully’s behavior.  This is through – not reacting to the bully’s threats and using accountability.  Let’s face it a bully is wanting a reaction – they expect the person they bully to shout, or fight back.  It is an impotent situation when the bully attacks a person and there is no response.  Yes, the bully may escalate their behavior and if it becomes unsafe the victim must remove himself or herself for safety.  However the victim does not need to retaliate.  The best thing a victim can do is to allow the bullying behavior to bounce off of them and land back upon the bully through no response.

3 Steps to a Healthy Body

Last night I was reading in one of Dr. Gregg Jantz’s books on how to have hope and how to be healthy. I thought I would do an experiment and try his three easy steps – just for today.  The steps are very simple:  first do not weigh yourself, second eat a healthy breakfast and third move your body for 15 minutes.  

I don’t weigh myself anymore. The last time I stood on a scale, I felt it was staring back at me with a condemning finger and critical eye saying “YOUR FAT!”  Not weighing myself was an easy step to take.

I am not much of a donut, sugary cereal breakfast person so that was not too hard either.  I poured myself a bowl of granola with dried fruit and poured 1% milk on the granola.  Yummy breakfast.  I did drink a cup of VIA Starbuck’s coffee with cream – weak point for me.  After I dropped my son off at school, I decided to do step 3.  Move my body. Exercise for exercise sake has NEVER been easy for me.  Recently I have gotten lazy enjoying naps and sitting at my computer.


Today I chose to make the effort to move my body for fifteen minutes.  The morning was fresh and cool; I was reminded of a duck pond near our home.  Pulling in the parking lot I noticed someone feeding the ducks.  I found the path and walked around the lake.  As I strolled around the lake I noticed a group of geese landing in formation feet first on the lake.  I was amazed at how they were in a V shape and all landed with their feet touching the water in unison.  I thought of how God has created us to do amazing things and it is natural to use our gifts talents and abilities.  Like the geese we too can work together in unison, making a beautiful display of God’s handiwork for others to notice.  Just for today, I did take the 3 steps for a healthy body.  Just for tomorrow, I may do it again!

www.stages2change.com

Moving from Outward to Inward Beauty

I went to get my hair cut, colored and styled today at the local beauty salon. After age 50 hair loses its color and the gray begins to creep out making you look .... OLD.  

I am not sure why they call it a beauty salon . . . every time I go and have my hair done I have to go home and make adjustments to the style. I walk in looking like me and leave looking like I am wearing Dolly Parton’s wig. Today was especially traumatic.

I have been looking for a new style. You know viewing photos of women over 50 to find something attractive for me. My research, taught me a couple of things about the older hair do. Did you realize that older women often wear their hair to the chin length to distract viewers from the wrinkles on their neck?  And bigger hair makes wrinkles decrease. A woman looks more youthful when she carries and extra 20-30 lbs.  

Today my 20-year-old hairstylist made some enhancements to my hair. She even teased my hair. Do you remember teasing? It is not called teasing anymore, it is called “back combing.” She said it was “very popular.” Ugh!  My Mama used to get her hair teased and I hated it!!!! Mama also went to bed with toilet paper wrapped around her hair to “keep it set.”

Aging is a time of change. When I have looked in the mirror over the years, I have seen many faces staring back at me. Some I have loved, some I have not even recognized. What do you see when you stand in front of the mirror?  Is your appearance changing?

One of the things in life we can count on is change. Change is never easy.  Aging, moving, new friends, graduating school, getting a new job all these things require resilience in the face of change. Too often we take ourselves too seriously.

Perhaps our outward view is not an accurate picture of our inward self. What would it take to see our inward self – to acknowledge the beautiful person we are inside our skin? Take some time today and write down five things you like about yourself. If you get stuck, ask someone what he or she likes about you. We all have strengths and even if we do not see them, other people do.

eautiful person we are inside our skin? Take some time today and write down five things you like about yourself. If you get stuck, ask someone what he or she likes about you. We all have strengths and even if we do not see them, other people do.

www.stages2change.com

Arise and Shine!

“Get up!” I shouted in the most loving voice an irritated mother could have as my six-year-old son lounged in bed.

We had 45 minutest to get ready for school and the clock was ticking.  When I see my son struggling in the mornings, I have flashbacks of my teen years when my father would come into my bedroom and open the curtains and turn on the lights leaving my room with the door wide open.  He never shouted.  Dad quietly made his desires known.  I hated the invasion and preferred lounging in my bed until Noon.

Isn’t it funny how we see ourselves in our children? The behaviors we have they will imitate. My older son’s father would place his dollar bills on the nightstand. I remember the first time I saw my teenager do the same thing. My younger son has learned to repair things when they are broken . . . .  just like daddy. When I shout in irritation, I may hear an echo later in the day with my son shouting at me in irritation. When I say please and thank you, I may hear my son returning the same kindness. We teach our children through our behaviors.

What are you teaching your child today?

www.stages2change.com

Confused Conversation

The sky is blue – no the sky is purple – no the sky is gray – huh? What sky? 

Have you ever tried to communicate with someone and it is like you say what you mean in as clear a manner you know how and they look at you with a confused look not getting it?  They say “huh”?  You begin to feel as if you are from a different planet and have lost the ability to connect with a person.


I am told this happens a lot between the male and female gender.

It can also happen to friends, coworkers and family.  We come to a conversation with preconceived notions.  Our past enters into the present conversation.  Communication pollution occurs.   We are not listening with a clear sense of hearing.  The understanding of the words can be tainted through what our mind “interprets” the words to mean. For example, if a person from England came up to you and asked you where the “loo” was would you know they were looking for the nearest bathroom?  

When you are confused about the meaning or intent of a person’s comment perhaps you can ask, “What do you mean?”  If you just assume what is meant, it could be you are setting yourself up to be confused.

www.stages2change.com

September Is National Recovery Month

When you think of the word “recovery” what comes to mind?

I remember my first real job when I was an instructor for Lanier Business Products. I would train secretaries how to use those clunky old word processors of the 1980s. Sometimes a document would get “lost” in the computer through an accidental deletion. The panicked secretary would call me for help in “finding” the document. I was able to come to the rescue and walk the secretary through the stages of recovery so the lost data would be restored to its original format.


I think addiction recovery is similar to the disk recovery. Recovery is the “reformatting” of a person’s life. I see recovery as restoring one’s life to its original format. The original format is discovering the life you were intended to live  . . . full of hope and purpose. 

www.stages2change.com