The Key to Facing Fear

I am a creature of habit.  I am comfortable with my daily routine. I do not like change.  And I especially do not like change when it is imposed on me.  If I am to make a change - it helps when it is my idea.

When a project is my idea, I have an ownership of the project.  For example, if I decide to go to the gym to work out - I am more apt to go.  If I am told I need to go work out and do it three times a week - I probably will have a resistance rise up in me - that says "no way!"

Yes, I have a rebellious spirit.  I do not like being told.  I also can be fearful of change.  Change has a lot of unknowns, what ifs, and oh nos that come with it.  I fear change.

Courage is a response to fear.

I have learned that courage is a response to a fearful act.  You do not need to have courage, unless you are afraid.  If I decide to bungee jump off a bridge, I would be terrified.  Courage would be needed to get me to move off the point and take the leap.  MAking a change in recovery may feel like taking a leap off a bridge.  Will the bungee cord hold my weight?  What will be the outcome?  What if I fail? What if the cord breaks?  Risk is involved in taking the leap.  Taking a risk is the first step of change.  I found that making a change is easier when I have cheerleaders to cheer me on.  Change with a partner or a group is much easier than going it alone.  If you are facing the decision to make a change and are afraid . . .you may want to talk about it.  If your change involves you deciding to begin your recovery - send me an email and perhaps I can be your cheerleader.

www.stages2change.com

The Healing Power of Affirmations

Genuine Words of Affirmation

"I believe in you."

Harsh words and criticisms pollute the air.  All too often, criticisms are handed out freely and compliments are stingily withheld.   Spouses, parents and bosses seem to enjoy criticizing and pointing out mistakes.  Some say this is a way to make themselves feel better - noticing others faults.  This negative form of communicating is destructive and creates walls in relationships.  There is a better way to relate.  Giving a sincere compliment, noticing when someone does something well, are ways to build relationships. Too often we may admire someone, yet never tell them. 

We all want to know that we are valuable and good at things.  Hearing affirmations is empowering and healing. 

When you share a genuine compliment, walls come down, the relationship becomes a little closer and self confidence increases.  Friends, family and employees have an on going need for sincere verbal affirmation.  It is unrealistic to expect people to figure out that we appreciate them when we do not tell them in words.  Instead of being sparing in our compliments, perhaps we could adopt a philosophy of being generous in sharing genuine words of affirmation.

Today is the day you can begin to share words of appreciation.  You may not like everything about a person and they may not like everything about you.  However, every person has something about them to like.  I have created a list of 20 affirmation statements that show appreciation and bring encouragement: 

 

Thank you for taking the time.

I enjoy being with you.

You are right.

I am proud of you.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe in you.

I appreciate all you do.

You are special to me.

I needed your help.

Together we can make it.

You are important to me.

Your smile is contagious.

You are a good listener.

I appreciate your honesty.

I admire you.

You are my hero.

That is a wise thing to say.

You bring my life meaning.

I am happy when I am with you.

I am glad you are in my life. 

To learn more about recovery or to make an appointment with Susan check out our website at www.stages2change.com

Beach Vacation with the Original Family

Spending Time with Family

I have been spending my summer vacation at a beach house with my original family.   My parents were midwesterns who traveled a lot because dad served in the military.   My folks had three children - a boy, a girl and a boy.  My oldest brother excelled at everything he attempted.  He was academically gifted and climbed the scouting ranks to Eagle Scout.  My younger brother was more fun and constantly made us laugh.  It was no surprise when he attended Clown College and ran off with the circus at 18.  Me . . . I am the middle child.  I was shy at times and rebellious at times.  I would shift from spending time alone in my room listening to records or reading books to acting out with my friends. I always had a best friend to tell my secrets and we would stay up late chatting on the phone.   It was me who would defy my mother and  cause an atmosphere of worry and unrest.  I am happy to say that at age 30, I finally settled down.  Dad's military job moved us around a lot.  I felt like I was always starting my life over with new schools, friends and interests.   I observed Mom raise three little children while Dad was stationed in Vietnam.  

Families that have a lot of stress, moves, illness or addiction frequently have children that have similar characteristics.  These characteristics or roles have been given the following names: the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child and the mascot.  Here are some of the typical traits:

The hero is usually the oldest child - he is serious, makes good grades, admired and a leader.

The scapegoat is the often the second child - she may drink or use drugs, shows anger, gets pregnant.

The lost child is the third child - he is shy and a loner who may feel closer to animals than people.

The mascot is the youngest child - he is the class cut up, appears happy go lucky and self focused.

You may recognize yourself or your siblings playing one of these roles. I think I went between the scapegoat and the lost child.  What I find interesting is how as an adult when I spend significant time with my original family, these same roles tend to show up - even after a lot of adult therapy. I am not sure why that is and it probably should not be taken too seriously. 

www.stages2change.com

Becoming Uniquely You

Be the Best You

Chicago O'Hare Airport People Mover

It is summer and time for vacations and travel.  Perhaps it is a road trip, cruise or flight to a visit relatives.  Maybe it is just a staycation (staying home and enjoying the local culture).  This summer has been a traveling summer for my family.   At the end of the summer I will have driven through eight states.  As I visit each state, I marvel at the cultural differences.  I notice something memorable or recognizable about every city or state.  Here is a little test  . . . when you read the name of a place . . . what comes to mind? 

Memphis . . . . . blues, barbeque, Stax or Sun Records, the Orpheum, Elvis and Graceland

Iowa . . . .national elections, hogs, Amana Colonies, Des Moines farmer's market, bridges

Oklahoma . . . . college football (Sooners and Cowboys), Trail of Tears, Rte. 66

North Carolina . . . outer banks, Research Triangle Park, The Biltmore, college basketball

Charlottesville . . . . UVA, Thomas Jefferson, Monticello, wine

Pigeon Forge. . . . Dolly Parton, Gaitlinburg, Smokey Mountains
Colorado Springs . . . Pikes Peak, Air Force Academy, gold rush

Chicago . . . pizza, baseball, John Hancock building, Magnificent Mile, O'Hare airport

Annapolis . . . bay bridge, Naval Academy, eating crabs

Seattle . . . grunge, Pikes Place Market, Nirvana, Sleepless in Seattle

Ananheim . . .Disneyland, ocean

Pennsylvania . . . Gettysburg, Hershey's chocolate, Pennsylvania Dutch

you get the idea.  

Every city or state has identifiable features.  Well, you know what . . . so do you.  

Every person is designed uniquely.  There is no one like me and there is no one like you.  Too often there is a desire to be someone else.  If we have red hair we want blond hair.  If we are tall we want to be short.  If we are blue eyed we want to be brown eyed.  The comparison and desire to have someone else's features steals our thoughts.  It will never work . . . . trying to be like somebody else.  So stop trying . . . embrace yourself.  Rejoice in your special talents, looks, abilities and community.  Begin to accept yourself.  Accepting ourselves brings a freedom and peace inside.  Comparisons stop.  A fresh ability to love and be loved occurs.  

I love the unique personality of each city and state.   As humans, we each have our unique personality.  Only you can be the best you.  Take a deep breath and let go of comparison. Give yourself a big hug and go forward.  Now go tell someone how you love their uniqueness . . . . .

www.stages2change.com

Recovery and Speaking the Truth

Lying - A Deliberate Untruth

Have you ever heard the following:

"How do you know if an addict is lying? 

Their lips are moving."  

You may think it is only an addict, criminal or child who will lie.  The truth is that most people lie in everyday conversation. (Study at UMass).

Speaking the truth is a sign of maturity and health.  All too often people want to cover up, embellish, hide or tell a lie.  Why do people lie?  The top reason is image. Another reason people lie is they have something to lose. For example, a teenager will lie to avoid getting grounded.  A spouse will lie to maintain a relationship. Bottom line, a person lying wants to look good.  

Speaking the truth is a sign of maturity

Lying starts in childhood.  Children may lie because they are imitating their parents.  Think of it - the telephone rings, Mom says, "Tell them I am not home." That is a flat out lie.  She is home.  The child sees this and thinks telling a fib is a normal thing to do. 

Common lies: 

I have a headache.

I did not do it.
I'm fine.
I never said that.
I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I was just kidding.
I was only trying to help. 

Tell them I am not home.

I am feeling sick.

I did not see the speed limit.

I only drank one.

How can you tell if someone is lying to you?  Look for the common signs.

Seven Common Signs of Lying

1. No eye contact.

2. Voice change - stammering

3. Unusual body language - blushing, fidgeting.

4. Inconsistent statements.

5. Overly defensive.

6. Use of humor or sarcasm.

Watch the video to see the signs of someone lying: 

http://soulfoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-tell-someone-is-lying.html

To learn more about lying check out: 

http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/05/06/29/the-top-seven-signs-that-someone-is-lying-to-you.htm

Symptoms of Chronic Sleep Deprivation

Not Enough Rest Can Cause Many Problems

Sleep restores the mind and body.

Lately I have been waking up with both of my hands feeling numb.  I may be sleeping wrong - I read somewhere it can be something to do with the spine and the blood flow.  Of course, I may be working on the computer too much.  Or it could be lack of sleep.  I work out of a home office.  For years I was employed at an office.  I was required to get to work early in the morning and developed a daily routine of getting up early and staying up late.  Way too often I would stay up until the wee hours of the night and than crawl out of bed just making it to work in time.  I became sleep deprived.  I know this because, my body would ache, I was depressed, I felt hazy, and when I returned home I was crabby and exhausted. I had increasing illness and developed high blood pressure. 

It is estimated that close to 74% of Americans do not get enough sleep.  For optimum health, person requires 7 - 8 hours of sleep a day.  Why do we need to sleep?  

Our body's are not designed to go and go and go.  Sleep is God's way of restoring the body, mind and soul.  During sleep the body will fall into REM or deep sleep. Dreams occur during deep sleep.  Dreaming allows our mind to restore and resolve inner conflicts. Dreaming is also a time of heightened intuition.  It is through dreams that a person may resolve problems, develop spirituality or sense a need another person has at the time.  If sleep is interrupted or disturbed in some way there is a lack of deep sleep. 

What are some of the symptoms of not enough sleep?

* Depression and Irritability

* Feeling Stressed Out

* Poor Decision Making

* Headaches

* Inability to Concentrate

* Weight Change

* Increased Illness

Sleep is important to life expectancy.   One of the ways to prolong your life is to get enough rest. Tonight, go to bed early and when you are able - take a nap.  Let your body regenerate.

www.stages2change.com

Dispelling the Myths of Change

I Want to Change But . . . 

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can every achieve greatly."  Robert F Kennedy

Many times we know we need to make a change.  We may even want to make a change.  We might even take the first step to change.   But something happens . . . .we stop, get redirected, give up, reconsider, or just plain quit.  What is going on?  Why is change so hard?

Let's face it we are creatures of habit.  Even when life is not ideal, we would rather keep it the same . . .than face the risk of making a change.

I have discovered that there are some myths about change.  These myths - if believed to be true - will get in the way of making a change.  Here are four myths about change:

Myth 1 - The belief that life is stable.  The truth is that life is full of change.  Change is going to happen, so we might as well plan for the change.

Myth 2 - The belief that change is an admission of failure.  The truth is that making a change may be the result of growing in maturity.  The desire to live life in a more healthy manner is not a sign of failure - it is just the opposite a sign of maturity.

Myth 3 - The belief that change should be spontaneous.  The truth is that our lives do have daily goals and structure.  Why not plan some healthy change?

Myth 4 - The belief that change will make matters worse.  The truth is that healthy change will bring about a more positive lifestyle which makes a person better able to handle life.

Perhaps you are thinking about making a change.  You need to know that change is possible.  You can decide to make a change for your life to be better.  Today may be the day that you take the first step toward living a healthy life.

To learn more about change check out the website:  www.stages2change.com

Father's Day Dream "A Boy and His Dad" by Edgar Guest

"A Boy and His Dad" a poem by Edgar Guest   The dream for father and son. A boy and his dad on a fishing-trip— There is a glorious fellowship! Father and son and the open sky And the white clouds lazily drifting by, And the laughing stream as it runs along With the clicking reel like a martial song, And the father teaching the youngster gay How to land a fish in the sportsman's way. I fancy I hear them talking there In an open boat, and the speech is fair. And the boy is learning the ways of men From the finest man in his youthful ken. Kings, to the youngster, cannot compare With the gentle father who's with him there. And the greatest mind of the human race Not for one minute could take his place. Which is happier, man or boy? The soul of the father is steeped in joy, For he's finding out, to his heart's delight, That his son is fit for the future fight. He is learning the glorious depths of him, And the thoughts he thinks and his every whim; And he shall discover, when night comes on, How close he has grown to his little son. A boy and his dad on a fishing-trip— Builders of life's companionship! Oh, I envy them, as I see them there Under the sky in the open air, For out of the old, old long-ago Come the summer days that I used to know, When I learned life's truths from my father's lips As I shared the joy of his fishing-trips.   www.stages2change.com

Recovery and Latch Key Children

Microwave Explosion

I opened the microwave to heat up a tamale and cheese.  As I opened the door, my eyes got wide and my thoughts of horror turned into angry words. "What happened! Who did this!" I screamed at my 7 year old son and husband lounging in his recliner. The story unfolds . . . .yesterday I was out of town at a meeting.  My husband had carpal tunnel surgery on his hand. After they got home, my husband fell asleep in the recliner.  

My son was hungry and decided to make his own dinner.  He found a can of spaghetti in the pantry and placed it in the microwave.  The spaghetti exploded. 

Learning to cook is a life skill.

When I looked into the microwave this morning, in addition to seeing dried red spaghetti on all the walls I did see some wipe marks where there was an attempt to clean up the mess.  This morning my son said,  "Mama, it is ok because I made another spaghetti . . . and this time I took the metal top off." 

Many kids today are cooking for themselves when their parents are not available.  Parents may still be at work when their children get home from school.  A "latchkey kid" is a name given to a child who comes home to an empty house.  Sometimes children are left home alone while parents run an errand.  

How old must a child be to be left home alone? 

According to the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services, "Supervision of children is basic to the prevention of harm. Adequate supervision means an adult caregiver is accountable for the child's care.  Although, there is no Texas law that defines a specific age at which a child may be left home alone, there are several factors that should be taken into consideration when deciding how closely to supervise a child, including:

• the age, emotional maturity and capability of the child;
• layout and safety of the home, play area, or other setting;
• neighborhood circumstances, hazards, and risks;
• the child's ability to respond to illness, fire, weather, or other types of emergencies; and
• whether the child has a mental, physical, or medical disability.

The number of children left unsupervised, the accessibility to other responsible adults, the length of time or frequency with which the child is left alone, and the child's knowledge of the parent's whereabouts are additional relevant factors."

Learning to cook and care for oneself is a part of growing up.  Adults are given the responsibility of training children.  As children mature, they are able to take on more responsibility and develop healthy life skills. 

www.stages2change.com

Top 10 Benefits of Online Counseling

Rethinking the Way to Receive Counseling

Imagine yourself going to a counselor.  

The first step: find a good counselor.  

Second step: make an appointment - getting an appointment may take 1 - 3 weeks.  

Third step: mapquest directions to the office.  

Fourth step:  meet with the counselor - face to face.  

Today counseling methods are being rethought.  Advances in technology have opened doors so counseling can be provided through the internet, email, chat and on the telephone.  Online counseling has been around for over a decade.  Counselors are rethinking online counseling and realizing it is a viable method of providing therapy to their clients.

Why is online counseling becoming more popular?

On line counseling allows flexibility

I think it is because we have come into an age where the internet and social media are primary methods of communication.  Let's face it, old and young are now connected to mobile devices.  It is the norm to have a cell phones.  We live in a world of smart phones, tablets, laptop computers, Facebook, Skype, IM, Twitter, Wii, etc.  There is an increasing consumer  demand to provide services through the internet. 

After several years as an "in person only" face to face counselor,I have rethought my methods of providing counseling.  Today, I primarily provide online counseling.   My focus is as a licensed alcohol and drug counselor. Online counselors have a variety of specialties. 

You, or someone you know, may be interested in learning more about online counseling.  I created a list of ten benefits of online counseling. 

On-Line Counseling . . .

1. provides counseling with a professional counselor.

2. is available for isolated and mobile populations.

3. allows anonymity. 

On line counseling is helpful if you live in a rural community. 

4. is convenient and flexible - you can send an email question or schedule an appointment on your time schedule.
5. may include email allowing you to ask thought out questions and receive answers that can be read . . . . over and over. 
6. websites often provide free resources you can view on your mobile device.
7. is great for the person who enjoys the written word and video interaction. 

8. uses convenient and secure payment through online payment and PayPal.
9. is cost friendly - especially since you do not have to travel to meet with your counselor.

10. is a comfortable and relaxing way to interact with a counselor.

It is important to note that online counseling is not for everyone.  
For example, it is not for the person in crisis or suicidal, or who requires in person care.  

If you are looking for a counselor and you travel, live in a rural or isolated community, are shy, home bound, want to avoid social stigma, and wanted flexibility online counseling may be for you. 

To learn more about online counseling, to schedule a free 30 minute consultation or view free resources on recovery topics check out my web page: www.stages2change.com.

 

Pausing to Hear God's Whisper

Taking a Daily Quiet Time

I picked up a book at the local Goodwill store the other day.  It is called "The Power of a Whisper" by Bill Hybels.  Reading it this morning, I am reminded of the importance of cultivating a quiet time in my daily routine.  When I was a child, my mother would instruct me to have a quiet time in the afternoon.  I was to remain in my room and rest.  I could take a nap or quietly read a book. I was not allowed to make any noise.  

A quiet time sitting in nature.

Over the years, I have learned the benefit of a daily quiet time.  As a Christian, a morning or afternoon time of being still and quiet helps me to hear God's gentle whisper. 

I admit, I am not always so spiritual,  more often I am just plain exhausted.  In the afternoon, I will sit in my recliner and take an hour nap.  A mid day time of quiet and rest restores my body and mind.  Resting prepares me for the afternoon and evening conversations and interactions.

Let's face it, making changes for a more healthy lifestyle is not easy.   Sometimes it is downright exhausting.  Bringing a balance of rest and activity into the daily process can assist when the stressful times mount up.   

I realize you may not be able to nap during the day.  However, it may be possible for you to step outside and pause in nature.  When you have a break at work, perhaps you can step outside for five minutes and quietly reflect on your day.  The point is to slow down and stop the noise.  To be still and rest.  To pause and listen for God's gentle whisper. 

To learn more about the stages of recovery from addiction check out the website:  www.stages2change.com

September Is National Recovery Month

When you think of the word “recovery” what comes to mind?

I remember my first real job when I was an instructor for Lanier Business Products. I would train secretaries how to use those clunky old word processors of the 1980s. Sometimes a document would get “lost” in the computer through an accidental deletion. The panicked secretary would call me for help in “finding” the document. I was able to come to the rescue and walk the secretary through the stages of recovery so the lost data would be restored to its original format.


I think addiction recovery is similar to the disk recovery. Recovery is the “reformatting” of a person’s life. I see recovery as restoring one’s life to its original format. The original format is discovering the life you were intended to live  . . . full of hope and purpose. 

www.stages2change.com